What To Call a Beautiful Woman
by Author sama277
Summary: When Harry Potter is betrayed by his one true love, who would've thought Draco Malfoy would be there to cheer him up? Major dementedness. Serious HPxDM after chappy 1. COMPLETE! Suggestive
1. Part 1

**(Pop-up)**

**What to Call a Beautiful Woman **

**Look her in the eyes and tell her she is a patootie, peach or Venus.**

_**WTF? LoL! Yeah, like I really want someone to look into my eyes romantically and call me a patootie… god… that was funny…**_

**Oh, and for the disclaimer, I own nothing in this 'fic (except the plot) and am making no profit whatsoever off of this. The songs were made by Fall Out Boy.**

* * *

It was Valentines Day, and couples were everywhere, making the boy and girl blend in perfectly as they strolled down the snowy street hand in hand. Feeling that fortune had smiled upon him, the boy glanced over to the girl on his side, clinging to his hand. He couldn't resist looking down at her curvy body. A smile spread across his face as his eyes glimpsed her legs.

80808

I used to obsess over living  
Now I only obsess over you  
Tell me you'd like boy's like me better  
In the dark lying on top of you  
This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters

80808

'HeeHeeHee...' he thought savagely, feeling his face grew hot.

"Harry? You still with me? You look dead…ish..." she asked.

"Nuh? Huh? Wha?" he responded quickly, pushing his fogging glasses back up his nose.

"'K, good. Thought you left me for dreamland, heh heh..."

"Never."

The boy felt the girl's hand shaking so he stopped and turned to her. When his eyes caught sight of hers, he felt the familiar, wonderful rush of affection towards her. Her pink lips, looking oh-so kissable, her blue/gray eyes that were filled with life and energy, her beautiful, delicate skin that was snowy white with cheeks made rosy from the cold. The boy noticed a snowflake in her short, shoulder-length white blond hair.

He reached up to brush it out of her hair, feeling the soft strands fall through his fingers. As he withdrew his hand, he allowed his fingers to caress her cheek gently before letting it fall back to his side. He saw her shudder at his touch, making the boy smile.

He couldn't stop himself.

He grabbed both of her soft warm hands, brought them slowly to his face, and pressed his lips against them. He could taste the sweetness on her skin.

80808

And you're just the girl all the boy's wanna dance with  
And I'm just the boy who took too many chances  
I'm sleeping on your folks' porch again, dreaming  
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you  
But you can't blame me for hating it  
So say, what are you waiting for?  
Kiss her, kiss her!  
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

80808

He heard the girl gasp and saw her lip tremble as he stroked the hands within his. That's when a sudden and random theory popped into his head.  
_  
'I wonder if her lips are as soft as her hands…'_

The boy then had a burning desire to find out. And so, not thinking of the outcome, he drew the shaking girl towards him, placed a hand on the nape of her neck and brought her lips toward his.

80808

'So say, what are you waiting for?  
Kiss her, kiss her!  
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late 

80808

As their lips connected, he felt a wonderful feeling in the bottom of his…stomach? Since his eyes were closed, he didn't see, but felt the girl intertwined with him had become rigid.

_'Damn, this is heaven…she tastes really good…and her lips are so soft…WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS BEFORE, DAMMIT! Ooh…'_

80808

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness  
'Cause all our moves make up for the silence  
And oh, the way your make-up stains my pillowcase  
Like I'll never be the same

80808

His fingers slowly started groping down her back, bringing the girl out of her shock. At his touch, she tried to free herself, struggling to wrench herself from his embrace. At first, the boy wouldn't let go, not wanting to end his kiss with her, but reluctantly released her as she continued to flail.

She pulled away from him and stepped out of his reach. The boy was at first paralyzed with confusion, then hurt and grief hit him like a tidal wave.

_'So…so this is what it's like…to be…to be…rejected?'_ he thought reaching out for the girl. Her only reaction was to back up to further the distance between them.

80808

Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "just friends"  
We're the kids who feel like dead ends  
And I want to be known for my hits  
Not just my misses  
I took a shot and didn't even come close  
At trust and love and hope  
And the poets are just kids who didn't make it  
Who never had it at all

80808

"Daena…" he whispered, savoring the sound of her name as is passed his lips.

The girl looked down. Suddenly, a new feeling washed over the boy. Fury now boiled in the spot where the pleasant feeling had just resided. The boy clenched his fist in anger and the fury erupted into a reckless fire in his stomach.

" What-the-hell . . . What-the-hell-did-I-do?" the boy asked dangerously through clenched teeth.

The girl looked like she would burst into tears at any given moment.

"H-Harry…you—" her voice faltered. Before starting again, she took a deep breath. "—You d-didn't…you didn't do anything at all Harry …" The girl's voice faded away. Her words did nothing to calm the fire burning away inside the boy. Anger got the best of him.

"Lemme guess! Now's the time you tell me that it's not _me_, but it's _you_, right? RIGHT!" he shouted sarcastically, flailing his arms about.

"But—but Harry …it's not you, it _is_ me..."

"PAH! Do you know how clichéd that line is getting!"

He grabbed her shoulders. If she wouldn't give him a kiss, then he'd just take one. (OMFG! RAPE!)

80808

It starts eyes closed to fingers crossed  
"To I swear, I say."  
To hands between legs  
To drinks at the club to the bar  
To the keys to your car  
To hotel stares/stairs to the emergency exit door  
To the love, I left my conscience pressed  
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer  
"What did it ever do for me?" I say  
It never calls me when I'm down  
Love never wanted me  
But I took it anyway  
I left my conscience pressed  
Through the keyhole I watched you dress  
Kiss and tell  
(Loose lips sink ships)

80808

"Harry…Harry…" she whispered as his face got closer to hers.

He ignored her.

"Harry, wait…"

Their noses were touching.

"WAIT!" the girl shouted pulling herself off the boy. Couples around them stopped in their tracks to watch. ("Ooh! A lover's quarrel!" "Are they breaking up?" "Huh?" "Did he cheat on her?" "What's wrong?")

"WHAT IS IT!" the boy yelled.

"Harry…There's something…that I need t-to say…uh…" she grabbed his hand. "Um…I—I don't know how…how to say this…but…but…"

The boy had suddenly forgotten all of his anger. A mix of suspicion, concern and curiosity replaced it. "You're—you're not…pregnant!"

The girl went red. "Ah! No! That's…not it…I couldn't be…pregnant…"

The boy's shoulders slumped with relief and he nodded.

"Th—that's good…but…hold on, what was that last part?"

"Eh? Uh…um…I, uh…couldn't get pregnant…"

"Heehee, because you love me so much, right Deana?" the boy said, putting his arm around the girl.

"Nuh-uh…that's…not it…"

"Oh? Oh…well then, why, dammit?"

The girl sighed and took the boy's arm off her shoulders.

"Um…can I, like, just go home…or something?"

"Deana…what's going on?"

The girl looked into the boy's green eyes…the green eyes that had captivated her ever since she first caught sight of them in Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions... Captivated yet again, the girl leaned in on the boy, but drew away quickly.

"If you knew, you'd freak..."

"HA! SO THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON! But…Deana…tell me, please. I'm freaking right now…I want to know."

"No, you don't want to know…Harry, if you knew…you'd never speak to me again…you'd hate me…I don't want that…I want to be with you…Harry …Harry…"

The boy chuckled. "Hate you? Don't say such stupid things, Daena…I want to be with you, too. I could never hate you. I get mad, like I did earlier. But I won't leave you. Ever. Not even for dreamland."

The girl still looked unconvinced, though, so to prove his feelings, the boy gently grabbed the girl's chin, tilted it upward, and brought his lips upon hers. It wasn't a rough or sloppy kiss like the boy had been hoping for, but rather a small, teasing chaste peck on the lips. This time, however, the girl did not draw away, but sank into the kiss, pleasing the boy to no ends. In fact, it was the boy who drew away, not the girl. He was satisfied with the kiss at first, but now his curiosity had threatened to overwhelm him.

"You'll tell me, won't you, Daena?"

The girl made a few squeaking noises that sounded vaguely like, "die" and "go to hell", but nodded.

"Harry…I just want you to know that I never meant things to get this far…Hell, I never meant things to go anywhere with you…but, I just—well, I loved being with you. I never got to do this with you before. It was meant to be a joke at first, ya know, just something to laugh about…but—something just kinda clicked, ya know? I couldn't get enough of you. I always wanted to be with you. I guess I kinda knew that from the first day we met…But that wasn't how it was supposed to be. It was just supposed to be a one-time thing. To laugh about…ya know? I wasn't supposed to…fall in…love…"

* * *

**A/N: (Fall in love? Pssh, that line is so clichéd…)**

**(K, getting bored…I'm gonna freak things out now…)**

**(That must've been when I became really, REALLY sugar-high/hyper/drunk…after this point, it becomes really scary…it made Aly-sama cry and Sober-me hyperventilate…it will do funny things to your mind! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE PURE RANDOMNESS!)**

**By the way, the reason I wrote this was because I found a pop-up online about 'What to Call a Beautiful Woman', …and I burst out laughing when I read what to call them! 'Patootie', 'Peach', and 'Venus'! So, just for shits and giggles, I wrote a fanfic about it to show how saying that to you're lover could totally ruin a magical moment. But somehow, Harry got involved…**

**Damn, this was supposed to be a short, few paragraph story…but now, it's, like, 10 pages…or something…**


	2. Part 2

**A/N:** Wow. I can't decide whether or not I should make this 'M' or 'T'…Hm. –shrugs–

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the plot and Daena, unfortunately…

* * *

"Harry…I just want you to know that I never meant things to get this far…Hell, I never meant things to go anywhere with you…but, I just—well, I loved being with you. I never got to do this with you before. It was meant to be a joke at first, ya know, just something to laugh about…but—something just kinda clicked, ya know? I couldn't get enough of you. I always wanted to be with you. I guess I kinda knew that from the first day we met…But that wasn't how it was supposed to be. It was just supposed to be a one-time thing. To laugh about…ya know? I wasn't supposed to…fall in…love…"

* * *

"Heehee, I love you, too Daena!" the boy said embracing the girl. 

"No! You shouldn't…it's…not right…it shouldn't be…WE shouldn't be…" the girl said pulling away.

"Wh-Wha!"

The girl forced out a chuckled, which caused the boy to look extremely confused, which caused the girl's forced chuckle to turn into a real laugh. She rubbed the boy's cheek. "You're…so cute when you don't get what's going on…"

Before the boy could protest about being called 'cute', the girl quickly brushed her lips against his, making him shudder. Then the girl sighed.

"I guess…now is the time…for you to know who you've been really kissing…"

"O.o…-still confused-…huh?" the boy said.

With that last, 'huh', the girl pulled up her left sleeve. There, engraved in her arm, was the Dark Mark.

"Sooo…I've been kissing a Death Eater? But, Daena…it doesn't matter. I defeated Voldie last year. Everything's okay now." He said, trying to embrace the girl again.

"That's not it…Harry…who do you know that's my age and has the Dark Mark on their arm?"

"Well…let's see…you, and then there's Draco, and probably every other Slytherin…That's it…I think…"

"Damn it, Harry, you're so slow…Have you ever, EVER heard of someone named Daena before you met me?"

"No…I don't think so…wait…WAIT…no, that was a pillow, never mind…"

"Eh? Pillow? Well…whatever…let me put this simply…Ahem…THERE IS NO DAENA! I'M…I'm…Harry—remember, you said you'd stay with me—it's me…Draco…Draco Malfoy." Said the so-called girl, pulling out her ponytail and flipping her hair around as if it was held in place by lots of gel. All the boy did was stare at the other boy who he had been convinced was a girl…or WAS this person a boy? Huh?

"WHAT THE FUCK! HNN? DRACO!"

"Yeah…"

"BUT—BUT—YOU'RE WEARING A SKIRT!"

"Yes, well…it makes me feel pretty…Besides, it turned you on, didn't it?"

"Uh…well…actually—wait…OF COURSE NOT!" Harry turned away from the grinning…boy?...girl?...thing? …I think we'll leave it at 'thing' for now…

"Ha! It did! Now tell me…have the other things I've worn for you turned you on, too?" Draco teased.

"Nuu…" Harry replied, trying to control the blood spurting from his nose that he got from remembering all of the miniskirts Draco had worn.

"Need help with that, Harry?" Draco said smirking.

"Gah!" Harry yelled as Draco's hands started intertwining with his own. He jumped up and turned away from the blond. "Stop! You're just making it worse!"

"No! I didn't mean like that!" Harry added as Draco's smirk widened.

But just as easily as it was made, Draco's smirk vanished. (O.o, a mystery) "So, you're—you're not mad?"

"Naa…to tell you the truth, it doesn't surprise me at all to see you in a miniskirt..."

"Dreaming about it, have you?"

"Heh, depends on the day…actu—"

"WHAT!"

"Aheh, I kid, I kid…sort of…"

"So why aren't you surprised, Harry?"

"Isn't it obvious? You're way too girly to be a man…heh, I bet you've even topped that Yuki Sohma guy/girl…WAY TO GO, DRACO! YAY! YOU HAVE NOW BEEN DUBBED 'THE GIRLIEST MAN ALIVE'! I DON'T THINK THEY COME ANY GAYER THAN YOU! WHOOPEE! YAHOO!"

Harry ended his cheer with a hug.

"Hmm…you call me gay, and then you give me a hug?"

"-nod nod-"

"And am I really all that girly?"

"-nod nod-"

"Hmm…that makes me sad…"

"Don't be! 'Cuz after all, you're MY girly man!"

"Yay?"

"Say, Draco?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Let's go out! For some coffee or something! In celebration of being girly!"

"Coffee? But—but I don't like drinking coffee…it's so bitter…"

"Hmm? Who said anything about drinking coffee? When I say 'let's go out', I mean lets go get wasted, then do what Aly-sama does to her shampoo bottles!" (Get it! I hope you do, cuz later when I'm sober and you ask me to explain this to you, it's gonna be a really awkward moment, LoL!) (Ahem, yes, the whole shampoo bottle thing is just an inside joke between a few of my friends. Nadya and Aly-sama were talking about some guy named Brian Saba and about how he broke his arm. For some strange reason, Nadya wonders aloud how Saba can open shampoo bottles in the shower with only one hand, and Aly-sama is all like, 'Easy! I do it all the time! Just put it between your legs and screw!' So yes, not very funny, but I thought the pun would fit with this story. Sue me.)

"OKAY! But…Harry …I only have 10 minutes left…"

Harry pulls a $50 bill from out of…ahem. So, anyway, Harry pulls a $50 bill from out of a purple purse that says 'Go Bulldawgs' on it. He then shoves the bill down Draco's pink tank top that had lambs jumping on it…or something…

"Well…I guess I could stay for 30 minutes…" Draco replied, shoving it further down.

"YAY!"

That's when Harry grabbed Draco's hand and together they walked off into…a pile of snow…

Harry climbed out, grabbed Draco around his waste, and pulled the blond out, too. Draco fell into Harry's arm, and Harry leaned in for the kill…or rather the kiss…but he never got his kiss, 'cuz Draco jumped out of his arms and landed in the snow. It was a cheesy romantic moment that lasted for about 2 seconds.

Draco climbed to the top of the 3-foot snow mound, yelling the Gorillaz song, White Light

_**White Light  
**White light  
White light  
White light  
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol  
White light _

_White light  
White light  
White light  
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol  
White light _

"YAY WHITE LIGHT! RED BULL SUCKS! I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY WINGS YET, EVEN AFTER 2 AND A HALF WEEKS OF DRINKING IT! I NEARLY DIED FROM GETTING HIGH OFF BOOZE AND LIVER RUPTURE!" Harry yelled.

"YAY BOOZE!"

Everyone around them just kinda stared…

Then Harry decided to look up at the other boy yelling with him, thinking he had NEVER, EVER had so much fun in his life, not even with Ron (damn lap-dancer!) or Hermy, or even Daena…but when he looked up, he saw a sight that gave him another nosebleed…

Couldn't resist…Had to shout it…just had to…

"I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE!"

Draco obviously didn't get it…he was looking around for a view of London and France…looking so much like the blond he was…

"How's this? Ahem…I SEE A HINEY, NICE AND SHINEY! YOU'D BETTER HIDE IT BEFORE I BITE IT…DRACO!"

Everyone around them looked disgusted.

"Huh? What now? AH! MY SKIRT! And what do you mean, 'bite it'? Can I get a picture of you doing that so I can send it to court? ...And hang it on my wall?"

"Court! Ha! Like that'd do you any good… YOU'RE THE ONE WITH MONEY DOWN YOUR SHIRT! HAHAHA!"

"THERE CAN'T BE ANY MONEY DOWN MY SHIRT IF I DON'T HAVE A SHIRT!"

With that last statement, Draco pulled off the tank-top (how the hell could he be wearing a tank-top with a skirt when it's snowing! Heehee, read that sentence again, it's pretty funny…)

_In these demon days  
It's so cold inside  
So hard for a good soul to survive  
You can't even trust the air you breathe  
Because Mother Earth wants us all to leave  
When lies become reality  
You numb yourself with drugs and TV  
Lift yourself up it's a brand new day  
So turn yourself 'round  
Don't burn yourself, turn yourself  
Turn yourself around  
Into the sun _(OMFG…O.o…)

That's when Harry had one of the usual sudden urges he got when he was around Draco. While Draco was flashing the world his girly figure on top of his snow mound, Harry snuck up behind the blond and karate chopped (He-ya!) him in the back of the knees. Draco's legs instantly collapsed.

"WHEE!" he yelled as he fell backwards. Harry caught him before he was anywhere near the ground. Harry blushed as Draco's skirt flew up.

"My hero!" he cried out, flinging his arms around the older boy and planting a wet kiss on his cheek.

"So, ya still up for going out?"

"Of course! Oh, and take your filthy money, I feel dirty around it…"

"My dollar wasn't dirty…"

"Oh. Well…if it wasn't before, it is now…"

"The money wasn't important to me. I just enjoyed you being up there, topless, in a miniskirt, giving me a clear view of a very sexy hiney, and dancing around singing about alcohol."

"Turned you on, did I?"

"Draco, you turned EVERYONE on."

"Yay! Everyone loved my sexy girly body! Yay for me!"

"Yay for you…" Harry whispered. He tried to focus on what Draco was saying after that, but he was…distracted by remembrance of his and Draco's fist kiss. And the few kisses after that.

_I wonder if his kisses taste better when it's HIM I'm kissing, not that bitch Daena's…_

Harry then had a burning desire to find out. While Draco was rambling on about how sexy Hatsuharu Sohma was, Harry leaned down and brought their lips together. Draco was caught off surprise, but did not draw away. Well, he couldn't, because he was still in Harry's arms, but even if he could withdraw, he wouldn't. Not to something so good… His eyes flickered with pleasure and gave the kiss everything he had…gave Harry everything he had…

Even though he had started the kiss, Harry was surprised, too. The kisses Deana gave and the kisses Draco gave were different—totally opposite. Unlike Draco's lips, Daena's lips were soft…and tender. But Draco had been out having fun with Harry—yelling, shouting, running, singing even. Draco had been out in the cold with Harry, causing his lips to become chapped.

His lips were no longer the delicate lips he had when he impersonated Daena, no…they were hard, and beaten, cold…but still kissable—no, MORE kissable…in this kiss, he actually felt something…all of those other kisses he had gotten from Daena were empty. And even though the lips were chapped, there was meaning behind the lips…passion (twitch)…and Harry planned on finding it.

Harry wanted to make this a good kiss, a really, really good kiss…so good, that Draco would never leave him…so good, that Draco would want to stay with Harry, just to get a kiss.

Both kept adding to the kiss, both wanted to make the kiss better, to make it so that the other would never leave. Because of this, they kept sending the most wonderful feelings down southwards.

It was Harry who finally brought them back to the real world. Apparently, Harry had sat down upon Draco's snow mound during the kiss. Draco was still in Harry's arms.

"Heh, aheh…I think my 30 minutes are up…damn, it was getting good, too…" Harry said, placing Draco on a pile of snow next to him.

"Y-yeah…I…I suppose…but don't forget…you said we'd 'go out'…and I'm still waiting…"

Harry turned around to face Draco. "Hey, Draco…?

He turned to face Harry with a smile on his face, "Yes, Harry?"

Harry took Draco's so-familiar hands in his. They were perfect hands—no wand calluses, no cuts, no bumps…they were so smooth and delicate…just like the blond in front of him led on to be…but really, he was a time-bomb, waiting to blow-up in you face…

_But…I love that about him…I love everything about him…How could I not have realized that Daena was Draco? It was probably because I never had imagined Draco being a cross-dresser…But still…it still seems kind of obvious. They had the same narrow, blue/gray eyes, same pale skin, same blond hair…and either Draco hair is too long or Daena's was too short. I can't believe I missed that! But…where did he get the bra? I could see the straps!_

That's when he noticed the sexy hand of Draco Malfoy waving in front of his face.

"Nuh!"

"Hey…Harry? What's wrong? You spaced out on me again…You told me that you'd never leave me…not even for dreamland…"

"Ah!" Harry grabbed Draco's hand and looked down at him.

"And I won't…I won't ever leave you Draco…" To make sure Draco had no doubts, Harry leaned over and planted a kiss on Draco's chapped lips. The blond could feel his eyes flicker…

Draco almost melted.

"But there's something I need to ask you, Draco…Where did you get that bra?"

"Huh? You mean this uncomfortable son of a bitch?" Draco answered, unhooking the bra. He pulled his arms out of the straps and handed to Harry.

"I got that from Riku on Destiny Islands. You probably haven't heard of it…after all, all of the worlds aren't supposed to know about each other…or something…"

"You mean THAT Riku? Why does he have one of these?" Harry asked, trying to put the bra-thing on. "EVIL!" he shouted when it wouldn't work…

"Here, lemme help, Harry…see? It hooks on there…Ha-ha! ...I've mastered bra hooking! Do you think I could get paid for that?"

"Sure…why not?"

"Whee! Who should my first client be? How 'bout Ron Weasley? Or Hermione 'Mudblood' Granger? I know Crabbe and Gyole don't were these bra things…what do you think, Harry?"

"Well…Ron's flat broke, kinda pathetic…poor broke son of a bitch still owes me 34 galleons…and Hermy wants you dead…so…sorry, Draco…"

"It's alright…"

"Here, you can have your bra back…"

"No, it's okay, Harry, go ahead and keep it! I'll just get some more from Riku! He has a ton, ya know! But he told me that he'll be spending his Valentine's with Sora, and he says he won't need the bras…hmm…I wonder why?"

"Dunno…Oh!"

"Huh? Harry?"

"…Let's go back to my place now…I think only Kreacher is there…everyone else is gone…" Harry said, brushing Draco's cheek with his hand. Harry smiled mischievously, leaned in on Draco, and trapped Draco's lips in a deep smooch.

"Let's go back to Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place and have a Happy Valentine's Day, patootie…" Harry told his peach.

* * *

**A/N:** LoL! Guess what! I spent about an hour writing 14 pages about a cross-dresser! LoL! I only meant for it to be, like, a page long and to be a quick 10-second story so I could end it with 'patootie'! LoL! I love that word! I hope no one ever calls me while trying to be romantic! I'd burst out laughing in their face! LoL! But, like, I wanted this story to be based on 'patootie', but I got waaay too into things…I couldn't stop! 

So now my story is _not_ based on the word 'patootie' or 'peach' or 'Venus'…it's based on a cross-dresser and his lover affairs…and it's not a 10 second story, it's an hour story, nor is it a 1 page story, but…like…10x that much! So nothing went the way I wanted it to go, and I'm pissed…to tell you the truth, I'm so mad, I just wanna…like, delete this whole story…but, I know, I know…that would be such a waste of everything! Dammit!

The part with Riku was weird, too...I saw a picture of him once, in the Organization XIII black cloak things, and it looked like he had boobs! ...But it turned out to be his shoulder...damn...

So now you really know how demented this story really is...and how much trouble I got in when I accidentally left a print out of it in a classroom and a teacher picked it up...IT HAD MY NAME ALL OVER IT! I'M RETARDED!

I'm not telling you what my punishment was…T.T


End file.
